After another good night sleep I woke up around 6:30 and found myself walking out my room, fingers in my hair, other hand pulling my underwear from that snug spot and started walking towards the back gate to the garden. Crossed the creek and walked through the woods. I guess I had decided in my sleep that I was going to take a dip in the Ganges first thing this morning. I only realized what I was really doing about half way to my destination, that spot I was at last night with the girls. “what am I doing, what if the current pulls me in, what if no one sees me, does it count as suicide if I accidentally drown, I guess it wouldn’t be accidental if it was suicide. Should I just say I did it without doing it? Why am I so afraid its just a river, I always hated the idea of swimming in fresh water, feels so oily and not heavy enough, oh com’on just do it, what about the fungus?” I had already arrived at the spot. I stood there for about four minutes staring down at my feet and the river. Looking around, “is there anyone here?” a man walks up, takes off his clothes and stands knee deep. He seems fine. “why am I doing this again? I mean I don’t really think its going to wash away my worries or whatever or am I falling for that idea?” I take off my clothes, I happen to have on orange underwear, I think that’s the right color. My first step is hesitant, I step on the big rocks and pebbles that line the bank, the water is not too cold, but refreshing. I wobble side to side like a kid just learning how to walk as I step from rock to rock, at least the bottom isn’t that mushy muddy stuff usually in the bottom of rivers and lakes. The water is still just above my ankles, but I am a couple of feet in, I’m not going in much more, hell no not with that fast current. I sank to my ankles and wet the bottom of my thighs then slowly I submerge myself. The water rushes over my back and head. I can’t say it was a religious experience, because I was mainly scared for my life but it was intense, especially that I am still half asleep. I tried to gather any tiny bit of spirituality left in me to make a wish. The best that came out of me is “please take away all things that make me sad.” “is that really the best I could come up with? What an idiot.” I fumbled back up and out of the water. Ok, check, done. I stand there for a second to dry. A woman comes to bathe. I realize I am standing wet in a tiny pair of orange briefs in not the most flattering pose. The moment was over, I just wanted to put my clothes on and take a real shower. Walking back I wondered about any skin diseases that may develop in a few weeks because of this impulse to satisfy a “to do” list.
I make it back to the compound, as I started thinking of it as one. As I open the gate I spot that sexy guy. Wearing a bright pink shirt today, hmm, nice work outfit, bright pink shirt and brown shorts.. Mmmm. I almost bumped my head on a branch, I was trying to stare not so obviously but failed. I am in the bathroom naked thinking to myself “I will not do it, not here, this is supposed to be a holy place, I guess.” by the time I turned on the water and started to lather the soap I had already failed to maintain my promise to myself not to masturbate. Thanks boy in a pink shirt, you took me a step further away from renunciation.
I spent most of the day in the hammock reading my book. It felt like a resort, minus the beach.
Just before dusk, having had a good day, I was in a good mood and decided to break another promise I had made to myself. I checked my email and face book and even made a phone call to New York. I shouldn’t have done any of the above as my mood completely turned and I convinced myself after an hour on the phone that I am now single and must move on. I hear the bells, must be dinner time.
It was someone’s birthday, the girl that busted into tears the night before. So dinner was a bit different today. There was a birthday ceremony. It was actually nice, they had created this shape on the floor in the eating room. It was made of colorful powders, flowers and candles. We all sat in a circle on flat cochins. Birthday girl had a special seat. The ceremony was very organic and midway between formal and under planned punctuated with almost awkward moments of silence. At times it even felt borderline melancholy. Birthday girl had to light the first and last candle, symbolizing that we are born and die alone. In the middle, between birth and death we meet many people who become part of our life, so the rest of us get to light the rest of the candles. One by one we each got up and lit candles. One of the boys is playing the tabla. They turned off the fans as to not blow the candles, which made the room very hot. No lights were on, just the candle light. Then we were each given a fistful of flowers and we had to get up one by one and shower birthday girl with flowers, as we wish her good health, sanity, whatever we want to wish. Different people picked up musical instruments and joined in the noise. Mataji played the harmonium which has a certain funerary sound to it. It was a bit drawn out but all very sincere. I was totally distracted by all of this, it was very interesting, like I was at a family function meets a company retreat or a camp. They sang happy birthday in Hindi then Mataji says “and in Egypt…” I had to sing it in Arabic, then another person did it in Finnish, then Dutch, then French then German. Man, there are people from all over the place here. More than half the people preset were not Indian including the pack leader, Mataji, who is German but having lived in India for over fifty years she has morphed into something more Indian than European, a kind of spiritually improved European. Don’t be fooled by her orange loose dress or her thick, long dreadlocks wrapped around her head like a turban, this is not one of those hippy dippy lets read our crystals and get naked in the woods type. This woman really paid her dues, she really combines Indian spirituality with common sense and logic. I am a bit in awe of her. Birthday girl seems to have had a good time. I made an early exit and retreated to my room wondering what coming back to New York in three weeks will be like.
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